Different

Nearly two years have passed since I have taken the time to jot down my thoughts and post on my blog.

 Times have changed, and video blogs have become more popular. My love for writing will keep me from embarrassing myself (visually). Besides, I enjoy the sound of the keys, creating a rhythm that most won't dance to, but I will. 

 Regardless, the struggle to share my passion for writing with others and the lack of confidence torments me often. The pull to share my thoughts always feels urgent. I am unsure as to why this is, but it is. To be genuine and honest about feelings and difficult emotions is vital in a world that has become so abused and numb to accountability. It frightens my weakened self as I have noticed how easily it is to get sucked into the worldly point of view. Society today is brutal, and it takes a lot of courage to put myself out there, be vulnerable, and allow others to read the side of me that I have grown to tame and keep deeply hidden from being exposed to criticism. Humans are just that, human, and they will judge anything that might make them feel a little uncomfortable. I firmly believe everything will come out in the wash (my mother was wise). 

 Losing my dad nearly eight months ago has shifted my existence, and I have not been the same since. Without his constant hand in the middle of my back pushing me forward and holding me steady, the attempt to navigate this life feels impossible. 

Adjusting to living and adapting to life without parents here on earth has been difficult. Modifying and reconstructing some aspects of my life to help pilot these new emotions so foreign to me sucks. 

I guess this would mean that I have changed. My life has changed. The way that my world spins has been interrupted and has changed direction so many times that even gravity has shifted just enough, causing me to be a little unsteady. 

Going to work full time for several years now, after being a stay-at-home mom for 26 years, has come with some challenges, creating mixed emotions about how to spend the precious minutes of my every day. Where do I belong? How important am I to those outside of my circle? Is it worth the effort when little daggers poke at me, and I am left wounded at the end of the day? My dad would encourage me to keep working hard, not to quit, and to continue my education. I wonder what he would suggest now that he can see the daily struggle. 

It feels as though I am in quicksand, with the constant reminders of inadequacy, causing the sinking sand to be unable to hold the weight of my skepticism. It amazes me that grief can weaken my ability to grab ahold of what can pull me out of the soggy granular material that only forms when distressed. The dependence on what others say, their opinions, has become more accessible; avoiding the whispers is near impossible. 

The attempt from others to dictate my ability to be successful is crippling, damaging, and causes one to lose sight of their self-worth. How is this even possible? My experiences in this life differ from those around me. Therefore, I will be different. Isn't that what makes things work in an organized and controlled matter? The various talents and personalities can complement the purpose and create a comfortable environment with everyone given the space to thrive on the road to success. What is success? Who determines success anyway? I believe your success won't look the same as mine. And that is okay. 

Being "normal" was never a goal I set. I have always been self-driven to be different. The different daughter. The different wife. The different mother. And now, the different grandmother. Fitting in is not something I have ever longed for. I have never mixed well with others. 

Regardless…I continue to do my own thing. 

I have always had my road map in my pocket with a solid timeline, with each milestone as a destination and no dead end. I have stayed on the path, focused, ensuring never to veer off course.  

Creating happiness used to be simple cause, I was not part of society's directions on how to do things; I was never a part of a society that followed books or social media. But now? The loud chaos deafens even the open-minded at times. It is almost as if people crave the negative and can't help themselves having little control over how much they consume. The damage is subtle, and happiness becomes artificial.

"DO NOT LET WHAT YOU CANNOT DO INTERFERE WITH WHAT YOU CAN DO.’-John Wooden. 

I understand that the capability to control the situations around me is not possible. Still, how I handle problems in my environment at home or work is something I do have control over. Even if I disagree, people's minds are made up, and most are set in their ways, leaving little room for growth and change.

Now, to handle contention and disappointment like a champ. 

"A champion is not always a consistent winner,"-Tot Workman. 

The characteristic of a champion is not always the win. A winner never gives up and gives 110%. Champions believe in themselves, have integrity and respect for themselves and others, and advocate building programs that help themselves and their teammates succeed. I want to be a part of that. I don't want to be a part of the opinionated, well-educated group that a piece of paper tells them, and others, whether they are worthy to be a part of something great. I have seen great potential squashed by such an idea. 

"God is the master of time. When we seek HIS wisdom on where to invest our time, we are certain to invest well," -Macomber. 

Time is precious and a thief. I no longer want to waste mine. Now, to seek HIS wisdom, keep a smile on my face, a song in my heart while continuing to have faith. 

"Faith means Trusting God in good times and bad, even if that includes some suffering until we see HIS arm revealed on our behalf,"-Not as the World Giveth, Jeffery R. Holland. 

Life is hard for everyone. My hard isn't your hard. 

"Believing the best of others strengthens them to live up to their best,"-Macomber. 

I know this is true. "People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say the best answer is, just be a little kinder."-Aldous Huxley. 

Last, Jeffery Scott Tatum said, " I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand, know your worth." 

Tomorrow is a new day, and I have plans to keep moving forward with a determined soul. "The calmer you are, the clearer you think…Move with strategy, not with emotion,"-unknown. :o)