My amazing husband told me to blog about what has been going on, and I still-even with support, do not have the right words.
I am not sure if I will ever be able to completely open up-I know I should-But I just don't know if I can.
I am a bundle of emotions. In and out of tears. Fighting against anger and frustration. Dealing with something that is so very 'Normal' for some...But it isn't very normal for me.
I have forgiven the most important person in my life...This has given me a huge sense of freedom. But now I have to forgive myself, and others. I will not be completely free, until I do so.
We live in a very small town, and it really would not matter what I would write...People will create their own stories about MY life...My kids life...My husband's life!
I have heard a few words being said-The two that stand out the most are, Hypocrite and Fake.
Here are my thoughts...Everyone has their moments of being a Hypocrite. There are times in our lives that we choose to just avoid being ourselves, for the fact of not wanting to deal with others reactions.
AND...We don't always want to be open about things that are within us, because we fear of others
*Our Children* doing-being-acting-living in the same way. So we CHOOSE TO AVOID being open, thinking to ourselves, I AM PROTECTING!
As far as Fake...I am the most real *imperfect* human being you will ever meet. Some might agree, some might disagree...But I am not one to hide very often... I do not pretend to be something that I am not!
I have a respect for my very personal life...You all don't need to know every detail. So when you find out something, from the Wonderful Grape Vine, it doesn't mean Me, Myself, My children, or husband are fake! We are HUMAN-and we will make mistakes...Many of them! We will not blog, or post on FB, or put a big sign up letting everyone know, 'We Screwed up!'... But we for sure are more than willing to admit to messing up-I have messed up several times in my life!
It is non of your business in all reality-What is going on??...as your issues are non of mine!
Some would like to start throwing religious stuff at me... Let me assure you, I am very grounded in my faith. Just because we are going through this 'Shocking to some' situation, does not mean...
'They just weren't strong enough in the church!', 'If they would have been more active, maybe this wouldn't have happened!'... and my favorite, 'If Michael would have gone on a mission, things would be different!'
Well....MAYBE! But I am pretty sure, life has just proven to be hard for the good and the bad people in this world.
My hard isn't your hard. Your hard isn't my hard...Regardless-Life is hard whether you are the best LDS person, or the most religious person... WE ALL HAVE TRIALS! Are our trials really that much different??
Many would say yes. WHY? Because you have never drank a beer in your life...Yet you over eat? People are funny when they try to sugar coat their own Sh** (Sorry-Not sorry).
Do you fight with your spouse? Do you gamble? Do you Gossip? Do you judge others because of their tattoo's or appearance-Because It just isn't church worthy!? Do you judge others because they believe differently than you?
Regardless of your faith, and what you believe... Nobody...Nobody-lives this life without dealing with some sort of addiction. Whether it be food-gambling-pornography-FACEBOOK-Smoking-Exercising-Dieting-biting your nails-even preaching can be an addiction...There are so many different addictions out there...So sorry-There isn't a rehab for FaceBook addiction!
My sweet, amazing husband has been gone for 20 days working-trying to be the man he needs to be.
All I am going to say about my husband, is that I am so very proud of him. It took a lot for him to take this HUGE step to better himself...I LOVE him more today then I did yesterday! I will stick by my husband...He is an amazing man! In my eyes...I see things nobody else would or could ever see.
Now your wheels are turning...and I am going to allow you to just create what ever story you would like in your minds...If you truly care, you will come to me and ask. I may not tell you every little detail, I do not have a desire to talk with others much about this, but that would be the right way to 'Wonder' How is Toi doing?
I will say this...My love for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ has grown. We have been blessed beyond measure. Our lives are not 'Messed up!'... We are dealing with a very tough trial, but if you were to sit down and really take a peek at your life, you are or have dealt with tough trials as well...Just different!
Toi is doing ok... I am a trooper-I have great things in my life worth fighting for...and I think my husband would agree-We have a very special family!!
***By the way...The Adorable One and I have been married for 20 years!
*May 27th was our anniversary*
Our relationship is better than most, and we are STILL working at it! I would not ever change this life that I am living...I am proud of my family-We are still the Pacheco Crew...We ARE real...and we will get through this and will be stronger then ever because we are together-Rowing our Pacheco boat!
'I have failed at many things in life, but the times I succeeded deifned who I am as an individual!'
Kyle King
It's like, no matter what life brings our way, we've got something time and distance just can't touch!!
**I get to go see my Adorable Husband today-I will hug him and squeeze him...and LOVE him like nobody else can!!**
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