Life...Without a voice!

What I wouldn't give to be able to sit down each and every day and write...

I am not a writer...But I just love to sit and allow my fingers to try to keep up with my thoughts.

*That isn't an easy task*

-As my thoughts are busy running through my mind like a Tornado touching the ground and stirring up everything in its path.

So much has been going on, and so much is about to happen.

There is no perfect place to start. At this point, most of the past events are just going to be random thoughts and images...And things that are coming up in the near future are just simple visualizations, that I don't know if I can even find the words to explain.

One thing that I so wish I could share, is the hopes and dreams that I have for my family and for myself. Dreams that seem so unrealistic, yet so simple...They are possible. 

I guess I will just start to type, and see where my thoughts and fingers take me.

This morning has been interesting. I lost my voice and am a little bit sick. My alarm went off at 4am, and I snoozed it clear to 6am. I laid in the bed, staring at my phone, wishing I didn't have to wake anyone up. I thought to myself...'Just today-The kids can ditch school today.' 

Oh! How I wanted to keep the kids home.

6 quickly turned into 6:30, and of course I was still laying in the bed. The bus comes around 7:30, so I thought to myself, 'We have an hour...That's plenty of time!' 

6:30 quickly turned into 7:00...Nobody was up, and I couldn't yell...I wasn't about to move, so the first person that showed any sign of life was to be my alarm clock...Chase and nicci were the lucky ones this morning. My 'Go To' guys.

Having the kids wake each other up, doesn't work all that well. Everyone is the grumpy monster in the morning, and nobody ever wants to hear, 'Wake up! Its time for Everyone to wake up!'

As I lay in bed, Michael is snoring and sleeping in nicely...For a split second I think to myself...

'Why doesn't he get up and get the kids all ready for school?' But that evilness quickly left my mind, when I placed my hand on his, and he adjusted his hand just right to hold mine...At that moment, I again thought to myself...'I am so glad Michael is there to hold my hand!'

AND....'The kids should just ditch school! And Michael and I should lay in the bed all day...'

I can't be the only Mother on this earth that simply doesn't care if the kids ditch school every now and then....Am I? I know that I am not the only Mother that wants to lay in bed all day either...Especially, when feeling so crummy!

As the kids all were getting themselves ready, I layed in my bed, like a lump on a log. The kids would come into the room and I would say something-and they would walk right passed me...As if I wasn't even there...They couldn't hear my desperate whispers of communication. 

HOW FRUSTRATING IT IS-TO NOT HAVE A VOICE.

As the clock was quickly moving...Faster than most mornings, Nicci comes in and tells me she can't be late. Justin is sick in bed, and Sass is still sleeping...

I guess I will HAVE to be the one to take the kids to school. I GUESS I have to be a MOM today...

*Just so you know, I love taking the kids to school. I love to walk/drive them and be the last face they see before they head into the crazy world of school...(Mind you, I am not always Mary Poppins-Actually...I am NEVER Mary Poppins...I might be the grumpiest face the kids see before going to school. I have my mornings of pure aggriavation! * I just didn't want everyone to get this vision of me being the perfectly done up, happy smiley face 'MOM' every morning-Because Those days have been a bit tougher to find lately). With that being said, by the time we reach the school-The aggrevation is gone, and I love to hug the evil little brats, and tell them that I Love them and to have a good day.

Anywho...

I get up, put my slippers and a jacket on *So that nobody can see that Im wearing my 'Hang in there Jamma's'...That happen to be bright pink. I throw my mop into a quick pony tail, and we throw all the kids in the car.  

Of course on mornings like this, it is never that simple. 

I hear one of the kids say, 'Where is Chase and Tot?' 

Typical!

Chase couldn't find his shoes, and Tot...Well he was just being Tot. 

We finally get to the school, and would you know it...The Principal and the Superintendent were standing right by the drop off lane...Oh and *Gasp* I look in the rear view mirrior to see that our Bishop is right behind us, dropping off his kids....

Normally I wouldn't care, but I was saying a silent prayer that they would not want to speak with me, and try to say hello...I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet! I acted as if I were invisable, and quickly got the kids out of the vehicle so I could go a whopping 3 miles an hour to get out of the school parking lot (With the Bishop close behind). 

When in my mind, I was racing through the other cars, ramping the 'Huge' speed bump they have at the end of the drop off lane...Just to get out of the sight of others.

I made it home. I decided that I would sneak in a quick bath while Champ was still snoozing. 

That lasted for a minute. 

As I finally sit back and let out a big *Silent* Sigh...Champ is yelling out...'Hello? Jessi...Nicci...Bobcat...MOM???'. I can't yell, 'I'm in here son!'. So I just sit quietly. 

We have 3 momma cats who just happened to have their babies close together...We have a total of-To many kittens.

We have to keep the cats all in different places, and have to keep a close eye on them... we have to many little hands and a dog that can't help herself. 

After maybe five minutes of peace, Champ comes into my room and says, 'One of the baby kitties died!'. Oh my Gosh! I'm trying to talk to him, but nothing is coming out...I couldn't let that little guy try to take care of that, he had to be heartbroken...So I leap out of the bath to find that there are NO TOWELS...I quickly snag up a little hand towel, and open the door to find my little, Not so little, Champ holding a dead...MOUSE!! OH MY GOSH! 

*I'm telling you it just has been one of those mornings...*

We live out in the boonies, so this isn't the first dead mouse that the cats have brought in. 

Champion was holding this mouse so softly and he was so sad that it was dead...But he didn't realize that it was just a mouse. I whispered, 'It isn't a baby-It is a mouse!'... Champ was then grossed out.

I discarded the mouse, and washed Champs hands while holding this little hand towel, trying desperately to keep myself covered. GEEZ! 

So much for the relaxing bath.

Well, as I have sat and thought about Everything...I just can't believe how crazy our lives have been and how they are about to get even crazier.

The next two months are going to be hair pulling, hand callusing, heart braking, exciting, happy, frustrating, exhausting crazy blessed months.

We have- the last month of school, Justin Graduating, Justin's Senior bowl football game, Helping my mother in law move into her new home, us fixing up and moving into a different house, and of course...Getting Justin ready for his mission. 

As every mother knows...all of this is going to tug at every heart string that there is. I tear up just thinking about all the above. The positives are endless, yet the heart breaking changes are just that...Heart Breaking. 

*I really may not have any hair left when all is accomplished*

Change is good...Change is necessary for growth...Change is LIFE! 

As there are so many things that I am so very excited for...I am still human, and can't help but be a bit sad. 

The last month of school means, Justin is graduating. I don't care what anyone says...You feel a bit sad with each child when it comes time for them to graduate. They are no longer children. The years of the many moments of asking, 'Am I good Mother? Have I done enough to prepare him for life?'...

Will now be answered. Justin is no longer a boy-but a Young Man!

The last month of school also means, Nicci will become a Junior. Jessi will become an 8th grader. Bobcat will be a 6th grader. Jazzi will be a 5th grader. Chase will be a 2nd grader. Tot will be a 1st grader....and Champion, our BABY, will be in Kindergarten. 

ALL OF OUR CHILDREN WILL BE IN SCHOOL! 

It wasn't to long ago, that I was telling my sister that I have so many years to go, before all the kids will be in school... Where did that time go?  I am completely emotional over this...But I am so thrilled to death that the kids are all growing and becoming their own selves... Parenthood! The most emotional rollercoaster ride you will ever be on!

We get to watch Justin play football one more time, with the boys he has played with for years. We are so excited and can not wait. I will be praying for zero injuries...Justin has two years of hard word ahead.

We couldn't be happier that Michael's mom will be closer to us. We are so happy about her move. She has a beautiful home that she is moving into, and we can't wait to be able to jump over every now and then, to see what she has made for dinner! 

We are going to make a living adjustment for our family. Our goal is to get ourselves in a position to be able to one day buy a home, and not feel overwhelmed about finaces. There are always bills and debts...Life is expensive, and you never know what will happen. All we can do, is work tward a potision that we can adjust to those life experience. We have struggled and are ready to have both feet on the ground running forward. 

So we have been blessed with a home that is going to help get us on our way.

We are sad about leaving the house that we are in, but for sure feel that everything happens for a reason. By choice, we are adjusting our lives to become better in every aspect. In the end, we are going to become closer as a family... I can't wait and am starting to wrap my mind about moving again... *Want to put all of our stuff in a pile and burn it so we don't have to box it all up again :OP*

Justin's mission... We ordered him a set of scriptures with, 'Elder Justin Pacheco' on them. We just recieved them yesterday. Justin wasn't home when the box came, and as bad as I wanted to open that box, I just set it on his bed...I was gone when Justin opened the box, Michael and I were watching Bobcat and Jazzi play ball...So Justin sent me a picture of them...I paused for a second while looking at picture focusing on the name that is printed in gold, on the front...I couldn't help but get a bit teary eyed.

OH my GOODNESS!  It isn't easy to think about 2 years without that kid being around to drive me crazy.

I won't talk to much about that right now, as there is just to many emotions involved....

But I will say...The crazy blessings of having a missionary leaving and serving, have already been pouring in. People have come up to us and want to help with Justin's mission. Justin was given a suit this last weekend...That helps out a bunch...It is a humbling experience. 

Life has so many curves and speed bumps. Mountains to climb and deserts to cross...

One day at a time...Hold onto your loved ones and my goodness...Be kind to others! Do the right thing always, and remember who you are at ALL TIMES! 

I am so thankful for such a loving Heavenly Father...

Happy Tuesday...

I think I will keep my mouth shut all day...

**Gonna have me a nice cup of Hot Chocolate**

Smiling :O)

***I have to giggle inside a little bit...Since I can't talk, and all that comes out of my mouth is a whisper, I have noticed that Champion and Tot lean in and whisper back at me...I should remember this, and whisper more often!***

By the way...The best apart about everything...Is I get to experience it all with this handsome man. I Sure love the Adorable one. I just can't imagine life without him!