Images

I was not in the most pleasant mood on a Tuesday between now and one month ago. The last ten years, the most overwhelming emotional two years, have all caught up to me. I'll save the details for a different day. But this Tuesday afternoon, I came across an image, a canvas print, in the little Deseret Book magazine we get once a month that would clear some of the fog of my tormenting trials.

The immediate comfort of this image flooded my soul and gave me a sudden feeling of rest.

The image is "The Love Of GOD" by Sabrina Squires.

As I looked at the image, the colors, the people dressed in white, the sharing and giving, and spreading of what would be God's Love were transparent and represented in a way that softened my heart.

In a contentious world, the love of God can be easily forgotten.

I understand that people are not easy to love all the time. The hate between different cultures and borders is intense. Everyone can feel our society's distinct differences and distaste for how others might choose to live their lives. I sometimes feel the pull to be bitter when I read or see others picking on my beliefs and choices. I would say we have all felt the sting of hate.

The Love of GOD is one thing that will never change. A complete peace on this earth will probably not be something I get to witness while living on it. But I know that one day, there will be peace, and we will all experience a likeness and forgiveness that will be so overwhelming that we won't be able to contain our emotions. Brace yourself.

This image will hang on my wall someday.

Different

 

I have been sitting outside for most of the day.

The windchimes and hummingbirds. The breeze whispers that cooler days are coming. I am in my happy place.

Saying that I have been reflecting on life would be an understatement. For the last several days, but especially today, my mind has been telling me stories.

Stories about my youth. Stories about my marriage. Stories about my beliefs. Stories about who I am. Stories of who I want to be. Stories about how I should have put my foot in my mouth several times. Stories about how I should never feel bad for my opinion and for vomiting my thoughts into words. Stories about grief. Stories about my mother and father. Stories about my experience of being a momma. Stories of being a grandma. Stories of being healthy and strong. Stories of peace….The list could go on.

Some would maybe call this crazy and say that I probably need therapy. Who says that they are wrong? However, I would remind them rather quickly how grateful I am for these stories; they keep me grounded and remind me that I am 100% human with a desire to learn from my experiences.

One particular story…

Throughout my life, I have said that I have never really fit in the mold. At home, at work, at church, at school, or even at Walmart. I want to say that I am uniquely special.

One of the brief moments I got to spend with my dad during his last week on this earth was when he apprised me, gently telling me that I was different from the others. Those words he shared with me have stuck with me, and I can hear him whisper those words to me often, especially if I become lonely in my little world. It is a beautiful reminder that it is okay to be different.

Normal is foreign to me. Yet, the question would be what is normal, and who gets to say what it is or isn’t?

Come to think of it, I do not believe I ever cared about being normal or fitting in, not in my youth or while growing into my second childhood.

I was created to be different. I was made to see the flowers and rainbows. I was created with a mindset that there is a positive to every negative. I was created to see the good in others. I was created to also struggle, at times, to see the good in others but to forgive quickly….The list could go on.

One thing, without a doubt, those who know me, really know me, love me just the way that I am. Not to mention the creator himself…I am uniquely his.

So, I will carry on being perfectly okay, not fitting into the “normal” box.

 

Recognizing the blessing within our hardships.

One of the most daunting questions asked repeatedly would be, how long do we have to struggle? When will relief come? When will things change? Will it ever get better?

Often, relief from trials of any degree seems to take its time as day-to-day living pushes us to our limits. Many people would say they are done, wanting to throw in the towel and that there is no reason to keep trying. Where is the joy? The peace? Especially living in a confused world that is in complete chaos.

Everyone has heard and probably used this famous quote once or twice: "It could be worse." There is truth to those words, but we should never compare trials, while at the same time, we should recognize the blessing within our own hardships. Easier said than done, I suppose.

I have yet to meet someone who hasn't had to work hard at life-it isn't easy for any of us. Nobody is exempt from the test; however, we all have a different copy. What is difficult for me may not be difficult for you, which is okay.

I won't lie; I have watched others around me and have said a silent prayer thanking our Heavenly Father for my trials, as I do not know if I could battle the same war that I witnessed others standing at the forefront. So brave and strong. I have to remind myself, don't compare trials. What is hard for me is just that, hard.

I am impressed by those who can carry the heavy bricks of burdens and despair while continuing their journey, which is likely uphill. These humble people don't blame others for their circumstances, not allowing bitterness to consume them. 

I have known many individuals who never once gave up on living despite their hard days and found joy anyway. Because of their enduring examples, I have a belief, a hope, that with effort, happiness can be found during trials.

In the talk, Waiting on the Lord, by Thomas S. Monson, he reminds us, "Faith means trusting God in good times and bad, even if that includes some suffering until we see His arm revealed in our behalf. That can be difficult in our modern world when many have come to believe that the highest good in life is to avoid all suffering that no one should ever anguish over anything. But that belief will never lead us to "the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ."

I understand that suffering is part of this life, as it has been since the beginning.

Monson continued quoting and modifying Elder Neal A. Maxwell's words mixed with his own words, "One's life cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free. It simply will not work to "glide naively through life," saying as we sip another glass of lemonade, "Lord, give me all thy choicest virtues, but be certain not to give me grief, nor sorrow, nor pain, nor opposition. Please do not let anyone dislike me or betray me, and above all, do not ever let me feel forsaken by Thee or those I love. In fact, Lord, be careful to keep me from all the experiences that made Thee divine. And then, when the rough sledding by everyone else is over, please let me come and dwell with Thee, where I can boast about how similar our strengths and our characters are as I float along on my cloud of comfortable Christianity." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's modification of Elder Neal A. Maxwell's text; see Neal A. Maxwell, "Lest Ye Be Wearied and Faint in Your Minds," Ensign, May 1991, 88.

To have Faith while gritting our teeth through longsuffering can be rather tiresome.

I watched my dad take his cancer diagnosis and turn it into service for others. The monthly chemo treatments turned into times of sharing his testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ while also being a listening ear and being a friend to those who sat beside him, partaking of "the breakfast of champions." My dad's mindset was focused and determined, what he could do rather than what he couldn't do.

Dad understood waiting on the Lord would renew his strength. He gave thanks daily while he counted his blessings.

After losing Mom in 2018, he continued to push through some of the loneliest times, attempting to make life better for someone else and helping to make another's burden light. His burdens were heavy, yet he never lost sight of the eternal perspective. He made new habits and set goals. He would read the scriptures and pray every morning and night, blessing the meal(s) he would prepare for himself and anyone who might be in his home at the time. The effort to be a good man was consistent, and you rarely heard him grumble or make too much of a fuss of all that was causing him strife.

My goal is to be like my dad, having a grateful heart and the ability to carry on no matter what comes my way.

I was taught at a young age that my mentality played a vital role in how my attitude would be shaped and molded during tough times. Your attitude and the thoughts that you have affect the outcome. Does our mentality change the trial? I won't go so far as to say that, but it changes how we deal with it and how we see our lives.

Perspective.

So often, we do not see the whole picture, losing sight of what is most important. It is easy to be influenced by our pain and discomfort that we miss the vision of better days. Nonetheless, counting our blessings and showing gratitude for all we have makes a big difference and helps to encourage a thankful mindset.

One thing that I believe is that trials are essential in this earthly life. We would not understand true joy if everything was simple and comfortable. To create peace to have it in my life, I must seek it. Also, I have to be a peacemaker, which can be laborious. It takes a lot of practice (and patience).

 "The Struggle is the Glory" -Unknown.

I have tried to wrap my mind around what that quote might mean. People might interpret this in different ways. For me, it would mean that my struggles CAN end with glory. If I choose to trudge through this life using my blessings as stepping stones, in the end, I will find peace and glory.

I had struggled to get moving today, and the desire to attend church barely lingered within my soul. It was just Champ and I, so the little voice kept whispering in my ear, "You can miss church today. You can go next week. You can stay home and watch movies and relax." Boy, that was tempting. I had every excuse in the book not to go, but the reasons to go outweighed the justifications for staying, and I pulled myself out of bed and got ready to go.

When Sacrament ended, I was tempted to walk through the door and skip out on the second hour, but the spirit pulled me to do the right thing, and stay. As I sat in the primary during singing time, the children were learning a new song that I had never heard before…One that I needed to hear today.

When the song began to play for the children to listen to before learning the words themselves, the crestfallen, dispirited feelings that I sat in the sunbeam chair with began to fade. I felt an intense solace accompanied by peacefulness. I was calm.

And as the piano began to play and the sweet voices of those primary children began to sing, I was quickly reminded that everything good in my life comes from God.

Thankful

One, for each blessed day.

Two, every breath I take.

Three, for my family

Four, all they mean to me.

Five, just to be alive.

Six, for the Earth and Sky

And seven for Heaven,

For every good thing that I have come from God. Every day every hour.

There are blessings he sends without number or end.

If I counted hundred or a thousand, I'm Sure there would still be more, to be thankful for.

Eight, for the chance to grow.

Nine, heart and hands and soul.

Ten, for the eyes to see, all God has given me.

I, could go on and on, counting the whole day long.

I know he is with me, for every good thing that I have comes from God. Every day every hour.

There are blessings he sends without number or end.

If I counted hundred or a thousand, I'm sure, there would still be more. There would still be more and more, to be thankful for.

-Shawna Edwards.

I will not live the rest of my life without trials. There is opposition in all things. However, if I count my blessings and have a positive mindset, I will conquer this life, and in the end, I will have glory.

Keep moving forward. You and I, can do hard things. 

Philippians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. 

Colossians 1:11, Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;
2 Nephi 2:11, For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.
 

"Stay strong, Toi."-Mom

https://youtu.be/aZjWYgq9QfM?si=HGfNCrJH5Ej2GfF

Different

Nearly two years have passed since I have taken the time to jot down my thoughts and post on my blog.

 Times have changed, and video blogs have become more popular. My love for writing will keep me from embarrassing myself (visually). Besides, I enjoy the sound of the keys, creating a rhythm that most won't dance to, but I will. 

 Regardless, the struggle to share my passion for writing with others and the lack of confidence torments me often. The pull to share my thoughts always feels urgent. I am unsure as to why this is, but it is. To be genuine and honest about feelings and difficult emotions is vital in a world that has become so abused and numb to accountability. It frightens my weakened self as I have noticed how easily it is to get sucked into the worldly point of view. Society today is brutal, and it takes a lot of courage to put myself out there, be vulnerable, and allow others to read the side of me that I have grown to tame and keep deeply hidden from being exposed to criticism. Humans are just that, human, and they will judge anything that might make them feel a little uncomfortable. I firmly believe everything will come out in the wash (my mother was wise). 

 Losing my dad nearly eight months ago has shifted my existence, and I have not been the same since. Without his constant hand in the middle of my back pushing me forward and holding me steady, the attempt to navigate this life feels impossible. 

Adjusting to living and adapting to life without parents here on earth has been difficult. Modifying and reconstructing some aspects of my life to help pilot these new emotions so foreign to me sucks. 

I guess this would mean that I have changed. My life has changed. The way that my world spins has been interrupted and has changed direction so many times that even gravity has shifted just enough, causing me to be a little unsteady. 

Going to work full time for several years now, after being a stay-at-home mom for 26 years, has come with some challenges, creating mixed emotions about how to spend the precious minutes of my every day. Where do I belong? How important am I to those outside of my circle? Is it worth the effort when little daggers poke at me, and I am left wounded at the end of the day? My dad would encourage me to keep working hard, not to quit, and to continue my education. I wonder what he would suggest now that he can see the daily struggle. 

It feels as though I am in quicksand, with the constant reminders of inadequacy, causing the sinking sand to be unable to hold the weight of my skepticism. It amazes me that grief can weaken my ability to grab ahold of what can pull me out of the soggy granular material that only forms when distressed. The dependence on what others say, their opinions, has become more accessible; avoiding the whispers is near impossible. 

The attempt from others to dictate my ability to be successful is crippling, damaging, and causes one to lose sight of their self-worth. How is this even possible? My experiences in this life differ from those around me. Therefore, I will be different. Isn't that what makes things work in an organized and controlled matter? The various talents and personalities can complement the purpose and create a comfortable environment with everyone given the space to thrive on the road to success. What is success? Who determines success anyway? I believe your success won't look the same as mine. And that is okay. 

Being "normal" was never a goal I set. I have always been self-driven to be different. The different daughter. The different wife. The different mother. And now, the different grandmother. Fitting in is not something I have ever longed for. I have never mixed well with others. 

Regardless…I continue to do my own thing. 

I have always had my road map in my pocket with a solid timeline, with each milestone as a destination and no dead end. I have stayed on the path, focused, ensuring never to veer off course.  

Creating happiness used to be simple cause, I was not part of society's directions on how to do things; I was never a part of a society that followed books or social media. But now? The loud chaos deafens even the open-minded at times. It is almost as if people crave the negative and can't help themselves having little control over how much they consume. The damage is subtle, and happiness becomes artificial.

"DO NOT LET WHAT YOU CANNOT DO INTERFERE WITH WHAT YOU CAN DO.’-John Wooden. 

I understand that the capability to control the situations around me is not possible. Still, how I handle problems in my environment at home or work is something I do have control over. Even if I disagree, people's minds are made up, and most are set in their ways, leaving little room for growth and change.

Now, to handle contention and disappointment like a champ. 

"A champion is not always a consistent winner,"-Tot Workman. 

The characteristic of a champion is not always the win. A winner never gives up and gives 110%. Champions believe in themselves, have integrity and respect for themselves and others, and advocate building programs that help themselves and their teammates succeed. I want to be a part of that. I don't want to be a part of the opinionated, well-educated group that a piece of paper tells them, and others, whether they are worthy to be a part of something great. I have seen great potential squashed by such an idea. 

"God is the master of time. When we seek HIS wisdom on where to invest our time, we are certain to invest well," -Macomber. 

Time is precious and a thief. I no longer want to waste mine. Now, to seek HIS wisdom, keep a smile on my face, a song in my heart while continuing to have faith. 

"Faith means Trusting God in good times and bad, even if that includes some suffering until we see HIS arm revealed on our behalf,"-Not as the World Giveth, Jeffery R. Holland. 

Life is hard for everyone. My hard isn't your hard. 

"Believing the best of others strengthens them to live up to their best,"-Macomber. 

I know this is true. "People often ask me what is the most effective technique for transforming their life. It is a little embarrassing that after years and years of research and experimentation, I have to say the best answer is, just be a little kinder."-Aldous Huxley. 

Last, Jeffery Scott Tatum said, " I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand, know your worth." 

Tomorrow is a new day, and I have plans to keep moving forward with a determined soul. "The calmer you are, the clearer you think…Move with strategy, not with emotion,"-unknown. :o)

 I needed that

Empty ideas, no thoughts of creativity, shook my writing confidence to the core. I was losing the desire to chase after the imagination that quietly left me like a cheating spouse, walking away, leaving me without much of an explanation of why. With a deep sigh, I realized that I needed to get out and find a new space to restart my thinking process.

I threw my hair up into a messy bun held up by my lucky pencil, flung my oversized hoody on just before placing my laptop into a striped three-pocket diaper bag that I converted into my computer bag. Grabbing the keys to my Ford Focus, I began my way outside, making sure to watch for ideas that might hotwire my thoughts to start my final essay. Nothing! Nothing would spark my interest as I put the key into the ignition and pressed the start button. "Heaven help me," I whispered.

As I wondered where in the world to go, I began driving to Tombstone. I figured the fifteen-minute drive would do me some good, and since the sun was barely burning my eyes, it was early enough to find a sitting spot at Mario's Bakery Café. I rarely go there, I am not much of a coffee drinker, but I figured I could get a hot chocolate and a lemon bar.

I turned up the volume, singing along with Sia's Bird Set Free. Driving into Tombstone felt so fresh that my demeanor wholly transformed because of the change in the atmosphere. I rolled my window down and allowed the crisp air to brush across my face while the breeze was messing with my bun, making it live up to its name. Before I knew it, I was pulling into the parking lot of the small café. There was no problem finding a place to park at Mario's, so I felt privileged to park right in front of the entrance.

While getting out of the Focus, I hear someone yelling my name, "Toi. Oh my gosh! Toi, is that you?" Before I knew it, I had two arms wrapped around my neck. "Hey! It is good to see you, Chantria," I said, surprised with a hint of frustration because I wasn't there to talk about the good O' days. Politely I asked, "How are you doing?" Chantria quickly replied, "I am doing great. I was getting some coffee. Want to join me?" I agreed to go inside accompanied by my old friend but was entirely committed to writing my paper. I was only going to allow this distraction to be brief.

Walking into Mario's, there was the aroma of fresh-brewed coffee with the comforting scent of lemon bars just brought out of the oven in the back, as if the cook knew I was coming. Chantria and I sat at a table in the corner of the Café' near a window. It was the perfect spot to do some writing, so I pulled out my laptop, hoping that my high school friend would know that I had a purpose and that I wasn't there for reconnection.

After a short moment, the timid waiter came and asked what we wanted to order, and I nudged Chrantria to go ahead and place her order. She requested a blueberry muffin and a small decaf coffee with sugar and cream. I felt a little kid-like when I asked for whipped cream on my hot cocoa and a dusting of powdered sugar on my lemon bar.

I pushed the power button on my laptop and set it to the side facing the window to allow myself the ability to glance out of it from time to time. Curious, Chantria asked, "Do you have to work?" "No," I responded. I began to give her a summary of what I was doing. Before I could finish, Chrantria interrupted me and interestingly asked, "Is the creative writing course hard?" I smiled and began to tell her about the writing project that I was desperate to find the beginning word to create a flow of finger tapping on my keyboard.

The words that rolled off my tongue sounded as if I had been taking a writing class forever. I looked at Chantria and had explained to her that there was a passion deep within me in creating words to move others while seeking comforting words of encouragement to complete another page. Writing isn't about pushing words together that might make sense. It is a method of expanding our inner selves, an intimate relationship with our imaginations. "I would have a hard time telling you about my hard days," I told Chantria, "but I would be able to barf it all out on paper and give you a vivid view into my life." Chrantria looked at me and asked, "Can't anyone be a writer?" As if she lacked the understanding that there was any flair or aptitude involved. I looked at her straight in the eyes and firmly stated, "Of course! But writing, along with a person's intellect, will be judged."

Chantria took the last sip of her decaf and wiped the crumbs from her muffin off the table, placing them onto her napkin. There was a brief moment of awkward silence. I decided to wrap up the conversation with a simple statement. I told my intelligent old friend that the writing course was taxing and that I thrived off the intense challenge. The time spent reading and editing, going back to do more editing, was tiresome but rewarding. "Taking creative writing has taught me that my sentences, in any form of writing, should be fluent and flow smoothly together," I said with a half-grin. "If you don't mind having your writing critiqued and you truly want to expand your ideas, a creative writing course is a great way to help you in your writing experience," I said with confidence.

Chantria and I gave each other one last hug and said our goodbyes. As she left the café, I thought to myself,  "What an odd conversation to have with the valedictorian of our senior class." As I sat back down and got back to my laptop, my fingers flowed, and before I knew it, my final writing assignment was complete. I paid for the hot cocoa and lemon bar, walked with a slight skip to my silver Ford Focus with a smile on my face, and drove home with the window down, once again dueting at the top of my lungs with Sia.

 

 The Greenhouse

            Moving to the small mountain town, Round Valley, was an exciting time for our family as a little girl. I was only three at the time but can vividly see the home my dad proudly earned and the place my mother loved and cared for several decades. The modest, red brick home will remain unchanged in my mind forever. However, a smaller portion of the house, the attached greenhouse, grabbed ahold of my thoughts and pulled me into a whirlwind of memories.

            More than a bedroom, the greenhouse was the perfect basking place for some forty cherry tomato vines and plants during the warmer months and hanging elk jerky during the winter. Strong 2x4's stood still embraced with green and white old-fashioned corrugated fiberglass panels. Ten black tires weighted down the roof and would provide stability during the mountain spring winds that came without fail every March. Inside were six raised garden boxes filled with the healthy, clean gardening soil that would hold faithful and robust for years for hundreds of tomato plants that would produce the brightest red and juicy cherry tomatoes.

            To get to the backyard, you would have to walk through the greenhouse. While heading out to mow the lawn, I would pick a small red fruit and pop it into my mouth; there was joy in this simple act. The funny thing is, I wouldn't say I like tomatoes.

            I had a passion for helping my dad water the tomato plants, and soon he had left that task for me to do. Like clockwork, I'd go into the greenhouse midday because the warmth of the sun was just right at that time. The bright green-colored background from the sun's reflection through the panels and off the tomato plants was comforting, and it felt as if I was walking into a garden. I loved talking to the plants while watering them, "How are you feeling today?" Oddly, they were my friends, friends without words whispering back.

            During the winter months, the mood changed in the greenhouse. The tomato plants were harvested and pulled, leaving an empty feeling. Shades of light browns would become prominent, and the air would be duller, as life was nonexistent. The desire to walk through the vacant home for plants, dwindled-until it was hunting season.

My dad would hang a string from one end of the greenhouse to the other, using a bowline just tight enough to ensure there wouldn't be any drooping. The greenhouse would become a dehydrator. A massive elk would dangle from our Mulberry tree in the front yard-giving off a light scent of death. It may sound gruesome, but it meant enough meat to get us through the year. I anticipated what was about to happen soon after the pendulous elk's carcass no longer drooped from our tree-Jerky. Jerky making is a process, and I won't get into it, but I will say there was happiness in our home during this time of year.

Hanging the thin-sliced meat in the greenhouse was my job, and I took it seriously. I would take the jerky meat that was blanched, seasoned with only salt and pepper, hook it with a paper clip and hang it on the string that hung in the greenhouse. The greenhouse would maintain the perfect temperature, taking care of our family's dehydrated protein snack-giving it such incredible purpose. All year round, it would serve our family.

I truly treasured our greenhouse, but I cannot lie; it would scare me at night. My room sat next to the outside greenhouse door, and the edges would scratch each other as if they were fighting for more space. The tires would contest the wind to remain on top of the building during stormy nights as the panels would lift, shove and push, attempting to take flight, relieving themselves from their boring position. I would not get much sleep because of the creepy and haunting sounds, especially during the winter and early spring months. The shadows from the moon would keep my soul in uneasiness, fearing the worst-a young imaginative mind was easily prompted to create panic and trepidation. Several nights, I would pray for morning to come quickly to save me from out and under the suffocation of the many layers of blankets on my bed. A chill still runs up my spine while relaying this memory into letters. One of the most unique places from my youth, laced with twisted recollection. Rather thrilling now that I think about it.

By the time May would slowly crawl into the year, our greenhouse was prepped and prepared for the new tomato seedlings to peek out of the blanket of soil. I spent precious hours inside the greenhouse that would prove to be more than just a place used for tending to the tomatoes, hanging the jerky meat, or standing as a haunted house. It would become a place I would claim as my own. I hold dear to my heart many conversations and moments with the plants, cats, my dad, and the little horny toads that would come inside for a sip of water.

My heart shattered when my parents sold the house just after graduating. I wanted my children to experience the same feelings I did while growing up (yes. Even the frightening ones). Fortunately, the red brick house and that sturdy greenhouse are still intact, with only a few slight changes to its physical shape. When I visit my hometown, I drive by and get a little teary-eyed—what a wonderful place to grow up.  

 

             

Gonna be productive today...Maybe!

I haven't slept in days-Not a true deep sleep...Or maybe I have slept, I am just simply getting old!

So...I am sorta the 'Walking Dead', today. I might just have to watch 'World War Z'.

I am home today, and I have quite the 'To do List'...Gonna be productive today, *Maybe*

:O)

The list...

1. WAKE UP!
2. Give the Adorable one a kiss goodbye as he heads off to work.
3. Continue to wake up, while attempting to wake up the kids.
4. Focus on WAKING UP.
5. Make the bed.
6. Try not to kill the kids while we are all scrambling to get out the door.
7. Listen to 'In Christ Alone' by Nathan Pacheco, All the way to school, so the kids will have the song stuck in their heads all day-in the hopes that that will help keep them from being little stinkers at school.
8. Hug each kid and tell them that I love them.
9. Drive the long way home, to sorta wind down from the morning chaos.
10. Look at our amazing view from our front porch before going inside and count my blessings...
11. Don't get emotional.
12. Get started on cleaning the house-have to hustle cause today is a half day...the storm hits around 12:30ish...I Will need to brace myself.
13. Ponder on cleaning the house, while updating and posting on social media.
14. Ponder harder on cleaning the house...while still on social media.
15. Focus on making bread.
16. Make the bread.
17. Get out all of my frustrations while 'Spanking' the dough, of the soon to be made bread.
18. Cook the several pounds of hamburger to put into the freezer.
19. Cook the chicken to put into the freezer.
20. Don't sit down.
21. Fight the urge to sit down.
22. Do NOT SIT DOWN!
23. Change out the laundry that you forgot about last night...Yikes. 
24. Fold the laundry.
25. Ignore the dog that can't hear a darn thing (Poor thing) as she begs to come inside.
26. Clean the vacuum.
27. Remember to NOT use the vacuum because you just cleaned the filters.
28. Mop the kitchen floor.
29. Maybe mop the kitchen floor.
30. Make the kids mop the floor.
31. Talk to the chickens an ducks...I love them.
32. Put mascara on before picking up the demons...I mean our angel children.
33. Call dad!!!
34. Stop! Take a minute to close your eyes and listen to the wind chimes...
35. Don't cry while memories of Mom come flooding into your thoughts...Or cry-it doesn't' matter...
36. Make a plan for the rest of the week.
37. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS again, as you get overwhelmed by the Plan.
38. Read your scriptures *love doing this...*
39. Wait! Did you brush your teeth?? Crap...
40. Brush your teeth.
41. Recognize all the little things in your life.
42. See the good in YOURSELF!
43. Repeat 3 times: 'You are a Rock Star!' 
44. Believe that you are a Rock Star!
45. Talk to your plants as you wipe off the dust...
46. Drink water
47. Eat
48. Eat real food, not just chocolate.
49. Take another deep breath-think about your hubby.
50. Reminisce and enjoy the thoughts of your hubby.
51. Look in the mirror and wink at yourself...**Remember, you are a Rock Star.
52. Pick up the kids...And enjoy them telling you about what happened at school today-even if they try to tell you all at the same time!
53. DO NOT SAY ANYTHING that is negative about yourself or your life!

51 ...survive the day! Being grateful for a new day-and for ALL that you have.

52. Watch 'World War Z'.
53. Dinner...
54. Crap!! What is for dinner....
55. Make French toast for dinner with the bread that you just made!

I am so thankful for today. I am a little bit behind, but that is ok. I am doing what I enjoy at the moment. Taking a quick minute or two to just feel. 

I will get everything that NEEDS to be done, done. No need to fret!

Real quick...

I would love to reach out and send out an air hug to all of my friends and family, who are going through some tough stuff. I would encourage those lost in the past, wishing and dreaming about who they used to be-To Learn to Love who you are today. 

"Piece of mind, comes piece by piece!"

I guarantee you are wiser and stronger than you used to be. Life is full of change. Embrace it and make the most of it...Find the good and recognize the growth in yourself.  You can do hard things...Trust. Have Faith. Be proud of who you are! Remember who you are!!!

Focus on what makes you happy RIGHT NOW...Even if it is the littlest thing...Before you know it, you will have a lot of those little things that will make your life full and amazing. Just gotta believe it will happen!

Now to get back to that 'To Do' list.

Happy Wednesday!  I am Smiling :O)

I am an open book...With some missing pages I guess.

After several months, I figured I needed to finally take a minute and just write a quick blog post.

*Warning: most of my blog posts, are not quick...*

Why do I share all of this stuff??

I am an open book...With some missing pages I guess. I enjoy writing, and wish I was better at it. I enjoy true stories and experiences that I can relate to. I don't share every detail about my life, but I do share enough.
Even if there is just one person out there who enjoys reading my blog post, I am good with that. Sharing is caring *Wink*

Here goes...

I have had some health issues that sorta kicked my butt....Kicked my butt Into gear!! 

*I know-Cheesy.*

I had blood tests, ultrasounds, X-rays, an MRI...I have seen plenty of  different specialists since October. What the heck! I simply went to the doctor to get a referral for a podiatrist, and left with much more than that. And if you know me, you know I am a 'Man up' kind of gal...Mind over matter.

So...

After having an abnormal EKG, I finally took some time to think about what in the world was
happening in my life, that was contributing to all of these silly issues that I was having.

By allowing so much crusty stuff into my thoughts, and by allowing negative situations to disturb the positives in my life, I really was making myself sick. Literally.

Time to Focus! I mean really focus...*Again!*

We do that. We focus and do better. And then we become complacent with our lives. We then lose our focus until we get knocked around a little bit...and then we regain our focus and work at things again. Does that make sense? Why do we do that?

"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I Can...and...Wisdom to know the difference!"

**Just thought I would throw that in there. 

There are a couple of things I deal with, that stress doesn't have to much to do with. However, I have found that the more worry I feel and the more stressed I am, these issues are more noticeable. Crazy, isn't it? How our situations effect us-Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually. Pull it together!!

The dermatologist.

Precancerous sores on my face and arm. I had the one on my arm removed, but still need to get the treatment done on my face. I have been dragging my feet, because I know that it is not going to be real fun or pretty. Please know, I am so thankful that these sores are not cancer, but I was told that they could turn into cancer-So I shouldn't procrastinate much longer. Blah!
Take care of your skin!! Go and get screened, especially if you are out in the sun a lot... *Sunscreen Folks!*

The Cardiologist...WHAT! I am a runner...ok. I haven't been able to run for about a year-not like I used to.

After rocking all the 'Heart' tests and Blowing away the Cardiologist with the results of my treadmill stress test, I was cleared to get my toe surgery, and was told to never come back again!!

For my situation, I believe stress had a lot to do with the abnormal EKG test results. Learning to take a deep breath and simply taking a minute to feel what I need to, helps so much. Feel and GO!(Carry on. Keep moving forward!) 

The Toe! **We are in December by now.

I had a broken Sesamoid bone in my right big toe. Long story short...I did a lunge and felt a pop. Over a year later, I found a doctor who would finally find the problem, and would do surgery to remove the broken bone and to fix the bunion that the injury had created. Painful! Not fun..But I am a survivor *Wink! Wink!*... 

  

The Bug. 

Then comes the flu or whatever that icky bug was . No need to elaborate on this...We have all been super sick this year with the stinky sick bug...I am just now, starting to feel a bit better (nearly 4 months later). 

Then comes the Neurologist. 

Even though, I was working on my stress levels, by the time I got to the Neurologist to discuss the results of my MRI-I was tired and extrememly emotional. Even though you learn how to manage situations and the stressful stuff...It doesn't take away the situations or the stressful stuff.
Life is still life. 

I broke down...In the doctors office. Tears and not being able to speak because, I was just that emotional. You know, it just all catches up to you. 

  

I have migraines. I have had them for years. I get headaches every day...I believe I have just gotten used to them. With some days just being worse than others. You know...Just take some Ibuprofen and carry on. Well, I was told that my brain was being effected by these migraines. I now have several brain lesions. I really didn't realize that. Just thought it was 'Pain'. I am trying to learn the symptoms that I have before I get a full blown migraine-That is not an easy thing to do. The Neurologist told me to get plenty of rest every day, do not over do it , avoid as much stress as possible, and to exercise.  I will get right on that. I just don't live that kind of life right now...But I am surely working on it.
Now I get to go and see this Neurologist every six months. Don't mess around with headaches...

Moving on...

The  Post Office.

I was feeling a bit discouraged and down in the dumps after seeing the Neurologist.... The ride back to Saint David from Tuc son was a quiet one.  

When we got into town, we had stopped at the P.O. to pick up a package. My old boss just happened to be there. While Michael went inside to get the package, I was able to visit with my old boss for a minute. She hugged me, and told me the sweetest things(I sure needed that). Her and I were both teary eyed by the time Michael came back out. We hugged and said goodbye.  I am not sure I will ever forget this woman who was so kind to me.  There are just some people who leave imprints on your heart-forever.

Now onto this package. No return address, and it was for me. It was the best package that I have ever received.  We have no idea where it came from (my guess is-The White Mountains)...

I opened it, and was overwhelmed with great emotion-I was uplifted and reminded that there are some truly good people in my life. I just cried.  We had held onto the package slip for days, but for some reason I took that slip and told Michael that we needed to pick whatever it was up, that day. It was as if I needed to open this package at that very minute in my life. Does that seem a bit over dramatic? Maybe to some, but I know that there are people who know what I mean.

I was given 2 of my favorite pictures, 2 picture frames and one of my favorite quotes by C.S. Lewis all ready for me to hang on our wall.

Thank you!! To who ever felt inspired to be so kind to me. I will never ever forget the feeling I had when I opened your gift to me. Thank you very much!!

Gratitude.

A short time after all of this, my sweet mother passed away. I will save my feelings about this for another blog post...But for now-Some 'Thank you's'.

I just wanted to tell everyone who reached out to my family and I, how grateful I am for the kind words and hugs and prayers. The love and comfort was felt.

Thank you to some amazing People from Bagdad who immediately contacted me to see how they could help. Please know-Your kindness will never be forgotten. Ever!!

Thank you to my in laws who helped keep my husband, kids and animals alive while we were gone. Along with everything else that they did.

Thank you to our oldest daughter and her awesome husband, for EVERYTHING that they did-When I had my surgery and also when I needed to be down in the valley with my parents. I don't know what a I would do without you two.

Thank you to our sweet Jessi! She helped keep this place running the best that she could. Getting the kids up and ready for school...I know it wasn't easy. You are amazing Jessi.
All of the kids were so good. I feel so blessed with such wonderful kiddo's.

A HUGE Thank you to my sister who took me to get my hair done just before our mothers memorial. I cannot express enough how much that meant to me. Our mother always liked us to look our best..Thank you so much sis. *An old friends daughter did my hair, and she did amazing*

Thank you to my big brother who was there for mom every day for a very long time. A special thanks to his wife, who supported him during the hardest and longest days.

Thank you to my other big brother and his wife who found the most beautiful and perfect spot for our angel mother.

Thank you to the sweet sister from our ward who brought our family dinner after all was said and done, and we were finally home. That was so kind and thoughtful.

Another big Thank you for all of the meals prepared and brought over to our family after my toe surgery.

There is so much gratitude in my heart. How blessed we are to have the family and friends that we do  in our lives.

I cannot thank our church family enough! Thank you for everything.

Now that my life is a bit more settled down...I am on the mend-Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually.  Life is simply moving forward whether I am ready or not.

**Stress and worry are very destructive. Take a minute to make the changes necessary so that you might have more than a minute of peace in your life. It is up to you!

Take care of yourself, and NEVER EVER become complacent. There is always room for improvement. Be the BEST you, that you can be!! BE Happy.

Remember who you are... You are a Child of a very loving, kind and ever so forgiving Heavenly Father.
 
Here are the pictures that I received. For whatever reason, the pictures I took, won't upload, so I found the pictures and quotes online so that I can share them with you... Oh my HEART!

  

 UIKEYINPUTDOWNARROW

Charity and Forgiveness.

"We must speak no ill of anyone. We must see the good in each other and speak well of each other whenever we can." -David O. McKay. 

I love that...But I stink at it sometimes! I don't always want to speak 'well' of others...I get frustrated and I guess, I am just not always kind. Shame on me!

*Darn it!*

"The Apostle Paul was telling us how to love in a world of imperfect people, including ourselves, when he said, "Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil" -1 Corinthians 13:4-5. And then he gave solemn warning against reacting to the fault of others and forgetting our own when he wrote, "For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as I am known" -1 Corinthian 13:12."-Marriage and Family relationships study guide. (Most of what I quote in this blog post, will be from this study guide)

"To vaunt is to proudly call attention to our possessions, our accomplishments, our associations, or our righteousness. To illustrate this fault, the Savior told the parable of the Pharisee and the publican-See Luke 18:10-13, 14.

"One of the most serious forms of "Vaunting" is the sin of pride. "Pride is a 'My Will' rather than 'Thy Will' approach to life." Says president Ezra Taft Benson. "The opposite of pride is humbleness, meekness, submissiveness (See Alma 13:28), or teachableness. With Pride, there are many curses. With humility, there come many Blessings." 

-I searched the word 'Vaunteth' on Safari, and the second link was to LDS.Org. I was directed to 'The Visiting Teacher', March 1988. (Good Stuff)

So come to find out...

I am no perfect soul...Wait, What? Yeah...I am pretty darn human.

However, I am a determined one. I am pretty determined to beat the odds and to come out stronger than ever-Not just with my relationship with the Adorable one and my children, but with anyone I come in contact with. 

Funny thing-Strangers are so much easier to get along with than family members...WHY? (I am being sarcastic, but there is some truth to this! And really...WHY?)

I have a desire to be better. And I am learning, that it isn't as easy as I thought it would be...You know...To be better! To be kinder. To forgive...I can ask for forgiveness...Just ask anyone, I say 'Sorry' constantly...But to forgive, I thought it was something that was simple. It just isn't some times...But it is a must.

Sooo...

I have been reading about relationships and marriage... Along with addictions and mental illness's...To add to the reading I have been, praying, and pondering, and focusing, and STRUGGLING, and realizing so many different things, with receiving, the most precious, and comforting feeling of knowing and understanding...People are simply human beings, just as I am...And just as I am, people are longing for peaceful happy lives. We all just have some different views on how to accomplish this. But something that we ALL have to do is, be forgiving.

One thing that I have learned the last 3 years or so...Forgiveness is necessary to feel peace and happiness. And this goes for all of us. Some may say, "I am just fine. I don't need to forgive, nor do I need to ask for forgiveness..." Or they simply say, "I will forgive as soon as 'SO AND SO' comes and says sorry and changes." This only leads to a life of bitterness-Even if you don't think you are holding onto bitterness, it is funny how quickly you recognize it when something is said or done to remind you of what has happened that caused the icky bitterness in the first place...Whatever you feel toward that 'SO AND SO', will become heavy...And as I have come to learn, a whole lot of joy is missed out on..AND...all those who are around you-they get to feel all of that saltines that you have-it will take joy away from them, the ones you love, as well. 

Forgiveness, is so important. Not only to forgive is important, but to ask for forgiveness. To recognize the things we may say or do that just might hurt someone else. It isn't easy to always recognize the things that we do to hurt others. Most of the time we are so full of that 'Saltiness' that we really can not see, that we too, caused damage along that lonely, miserable path of heartache and pain.

Quoting!!

"How difficult it is for any of us to forgive those who have injured us. We are all prone to brood on the evil done us. That brooding becomes as a gnawing and destructive canker. Is there a virtue more in need of application in our time than the virtue of forgiving and forgetting? There are those who would look upon this as a sign of weakness. Is it? I submit that it takes neither strength nor intelligence to brood in anger over wrongs suffered, to go through life with a spirit of vindictiveness, to dissipate one's abilities in planning retribution. There is no peace in the nursing of a grudge. There is no happiness in living for the day when you can "Get even." Paul speaks of "the weak and beggarly elements" of our lives (See Galatians 4:9). Is there anything more weak or beggarly than the disposition to wear out one's life in an unending round of bitter thoughts and scheming gestures toward those who may have affronted us? 

Not forgiving others can simply lead to loneliness and recrimination-and yes, Bondage. And really, it isn't worth it.

Quote!

"If there be any who nurture in their hearts the poisonous brew of enmity toward another, I plead with you to ask the Lord for strength to forgive. This expression of desire will be of the very substance of your repentance. It may not be easy, and it may not come quickly. But if you will seek it with sincerity and cultivate it, it will come. And even though he whom you have forgiven continues to pursue and threaten you, you will know you have done what you could to effect a reconciliation. There will come into your heart a peace otherwise unattainable. That peace will be the peace of him who said:

"For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you: "But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses"-Matthew 6:14-15." 

During my reading, it asked us to read Luke chapter 15. We are all familiar with the Prodigal son. 

It says, "I ask you to read that story. Every parent ought to read it again and again. It is large enough to encompass every household, and enough larger than that to encompass all mankind, for are we not all prodigal sons and daughters who need to repent and partake of the forgiving mercy of our Heavenly Father and then follow his example? 

His Beloved Son, our Redeemer, reaches out to us in forgiveness and mercy, but in so doing he commands repentance." 

"Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me" -D&C 19:15-18,23.

"Such is the commandment, and such is the promise of Him who, in his great exemplary prayer, pleaded, "Father, Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors". -Matthew 6:9, 12.

 **Just a little bit more quoted from the study guide...Sorry! It is just to good not to share!!**

"Let us bind up the wounds-oh, the many wounds that have been caused by cutting words, by stubbornly cultivated grievances, by scheming plans to "Get Even" with those who may have wronged us. We all have a little of this spirit of revenge in us. Fortunately, we all have the power to rise above it, if we will "Clothe ourselves with the bond of CHARITY, as with a mantle, which is the bond 

of perfectness and peace" -D&C 88:125.

"To err is human, to forgive divine"-Alexander Pope. There is no peace in reflecting on the pain of old wounds. There is peace only in repentance and forgiveness. This is the sweet peace of the Christ, who said, "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God" -Matthew 5:9"

It is simply to heavy and hard to carry a grudge. It is also simple to say, that you have forgiven...Just to continue to get salty if things that have hurt you in the past get brought up or you happen to see that 'SO AND SO'. In this case, true forgiveness has not happened. 

It is easy to ignore others. It is easy to just stop going to church and quit doing the things that we know would help us to forgive (Or really, just help us to get through this crazy life)-Reading the scriptures, praying, going to the temple, going to church, or doing whatever it is that you believe in. It really is simple to just try to change our life styles...Thinking that if we do so, all will be ok. NOPE! It will always linger. There will always be that little bit of resentment or bitterness that remains in your heart.

Letting go is super tough. Rising above it all, takes effort and consistency. The world speaks in volumes. There is no hiding from struggles-or people. Who wants to hide for real though? *I do go and hide in the bathroom from time to time-but I think that is normal...It is my get away. :O)* But for real though-What joy is to be found alone, hiding? We were not meant to be alone.

The world speaks in volumes-What are you listening to? We can choose.

Charity, is the pure Love of Christ. I truly do want to have that..."Charity Suffereth Long and is Kind".  

Again, I am super human!! *Not, 'SuperHuman'...Silly! I fail daily.* 

It is a work in progress. Daily effort of 'Carrying on' after falling and getting back up again...Several times.

As for Forgiving others...I am simply working on it. My goal for the next week, is to see the good in others and to speak kinder. *It is a Goal!*

When all said and done and at the end of the day, I know where to turn for peace and also for guidance. I am so thankful for prayer-I don't know if I could conquer my shortcomings and trials without a little help from above.

To all those who are harboring hard feelings...Set a small goal, to find a way to forgive-Let it go! Life is going to keep moving forward. Will you move with it, or be stuck holding onto things that can't be changed or taken back. I try to remind myself of all the times I have been forgiven by others, to many to count. 

We ALL make mistakes. Just take a minute and think about the times you have been forgiven...It really does open your eyes.

Before I end this post...I wanted to make sure that everyone knows how truly thankful I am for all the many blessings in my life. From my socks that keep my broken toe warm, the toothbrush that keeps my teeth clean, the washer that keeps on washing, to my eyes that allow me to see the sunrises and sunsets *and also the Adorable Ones eyes...Simply gorgeous!*. I am thankful for our ducks and chickens that brighten my day. My children who keep me standing up straight. To the love of my life that I want to strangle...I mean hug real tight, who continues to work hard at being a better man each day. I am just thankful for so much. I have a wonderful crazy life...I am thankful for our Savior Jesus Christ and for a very loving and forgiving Father in Heaven...I am thankful for my parents who I appreciate so much and could kick myself in the butt for being such a brat growing up. My heart if full of gratitude for EVERYTHING. The sun, the moon and the stars....I am BLESSED! 

Now, go on and Forgive that 'SO AND SO'.

I just might be an emotional mess!

As I am sitting outside in my most favorite spot...I feel the breeze, that isn't quite cool enough to say that it is fall, but that is cool enough to say that fall is on its way.

I am not much of a fall/winter kind of gal. I really enjoy Spring. Fall is the coming of things dying. Winter is when things are cold and dead (Thats sounds sorta miserable-You know what I mean). Not that Fall/Winter doesn't have its beauty, cause if you think about it, there is beauty that comes with death as well...But we won't go there! Spring is just a season I just simply enjoy...However, I do enjoy wearing sweaters and jackets...Drinking hot chocolate and snuggling up in a warm blanket...OK FINE! I sorta like parts of all the seasons-including Fall/Winter.

I am sitting here enjoying the hummingbirds while they are still around-watching the little birds-seeing how content they are with the simple sip of sweetness that is given to them. Asking myself, would I be so content with such a simple sip or would I want to keep coming back for more...

While listening to the amazing sounds of the wind chimes that speak to me in volumes, I can not put into words what is being heard and felt. I am overwhelmed with every emotion you can think of, wishing that things in my life would begin to make a beautiful song-Or at least keep a beat that I can dance to. I need just a moment, a minute, of no outside voices yelling at me, so I can focus on what is best for me and my life-this life I have chosen and also have been given. I need a minute to understand how I honestly feel. 

Sadness- is the opposite of Happiness. A state of complete emptiness or destruction. Anquished misery or loneliness.

I am NOT miserable nor am I alone, even though at times I feel very much alone *Doesn't everyone from time to time?*. 

I am sad that my mother is so ill. I also can't help but get a little sad thinking about my Dad..how hard it must be for him to see his wife this way. I am just sad that time is being wasted in my life. Things that are not even worth time, have wasted my time. *Does that make sense?* I no longer want negatives in my life-I am sad, because 'Negatives' are part of life! Things, People...Surroundings-I Can't change stuff, but I can continue to strive and to learn how to handle stuff the best that I can. "God didn't design us to be sad, He created us to have Joy!"        -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Happiness-is a feeling of pleasure and positivity. When someone feels good, proud, relieved or satisfied about something, that person is said to be "Happy". Feeling happy may help people to relax and to smile. Happiness is usually thought of as the opposite of sadness. However, it is possible to feel both at the same time, or sometimes even about the same thing...(It is possible-The internet says so!) :O) Many philosophers have said that people in the world go back and forth between times of happiness and sadness, but there is nobody who is always happy or always sad. 

The problem here is, I am a happy person! I love to be 'just happy' ...But if I have a minute of being unhappy-It is considered hypocritical. I do not think that is right. And I hope anyone who reads this, will never say this about another person who is genuinely happy 95% of the time. I have so much in my life to feel happy about. The very simplest thing(s)-can make me happy and 'POOF', the unhappiness goes away-Even if for just a minute during the hard stuff! "In the Lord's time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and happiness will be yours.-Richard G. Scott

Empathy-Is a word that means that someone is able to share or understand the emotion and feelings of another person. Someone may need to have certain amount of empathy before they are able to feel compassion. The word was coined in 1909 by the English pyschologist Edward. B. Titchener.

I can't help but feel 'Empathy' for those around me-especially my husband and children..My parents and my siblings. We are ALL going through something. I understand guilt, shame, depression, heartache, disappointment, discouragement, the feeling of being a complete failure! As a wife, mother, daughter, daughter in law, sister, sister in law and Aunt. I understand many things, with some things that I may not seem to understand because I have not gone through them personally-However, I feel compassion for those who suffer, regardless of my experience. I care about others, and my heart is sore because I can not fix or even comfort some who are so deeply wounded by life. Especially my family members. "Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, he loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, GOD'S LOVE encompasses us COMPLETELY." -Dieter F. Uchtodrf

Frustration-In psychology, frustration is a common emotional way to act when things go wrong. It is a feeling of being angry and sad when something one wants or wishes for does not happen. In physics, frustration (or geometrical frustration) is a property of water molecules in ice when a freezing crystal is formed. The presence of random or conflicting atoms stop the ice from being completely frozen. It is called "Water Ice".

I had no idea about the "Water Ice". How cool is that. We probably learned that in High School...I was probably flirting with my future husband and wasn't paying attention. Anywho...I do feel frustrated with things right now. I do believe that I should be allowed this emotion. I won't go into detail, but just know I am worn out-But refuse to quit moving forward. I understand what is needed. I understand the ways to help this very strong emotion to go away. I am not allowing things to fester, I am learning that it is ok to allow myself to FEEL! Time heals all wounds-so in time, I will not feel frustrated...Or I might simply turn into someone who isn't frozen but has turned pretty cold (Water Ice)...Nah! It isn't in my nature to do so! "No one has failed who keeps trying and keeps praying."-Jeffery R. Holland

Regret-feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity.

I don't regret many things in my life. I feel as though the decisions I have made throughout my life, have helped mold me into who I am today. But, I can't help but think about a few small things that I do simply regret *Marrying my husband is NOT one of them, or having so many children-I could not imagine my life without them*. If someone says that they do not have any regrets, I do not believe them...I think we all have this emotion from time to time. "The Heavens will NOT be filled with those who never made mistakes."                                 "Many of the deepest regrets of tomorrow, can be prevented by following the savior today."-Dieter F. Uchtodrf.                                                I Will just leave it at that. 

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of HOPE, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and ENDURE TO THE END, behold, thus with the father: YE SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE. 2 Nephi 31:20

So I ask myself, What kind of spirit do I have, right now, while trying to endure these trials that I have? At times...its a Hopeful spirit. Most of the time is it is with a faithful spirit. Sometimes it is with a CRUSTY spirit, and I want to throw a tantrum on the floor! Regardless, I know what needs to be done and I know who I need to lean on and turn to. 

The Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.                                                                                                        "The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and safety such as be of a contrite spirit."-Psalms 34:18 

Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY cometh in the morning.                                                                                                                  "For his anger endure the but for a moment; in his favor is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."Psalms 30:5

I can do hard things..."I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I will carry on. I will feel 'EMOTIONS' from time to time...I will fail. I might say a bad word...I might throw something! I might grit my teeth and swallow words that I will never be able to take back-Hince why I sometimes don't speak. I am not perfect...I am simply a Daughter of a King who loves me and who carries my along this crazy path of life. I know who my redeemer is and that he lives. I know that I only want to seek out the truth and what is right. I will always trust my feelings and will follow the spirit-I pray that I am always listening to that still small voice! Philippians 4:6-13. Look it up...It is spot on. The entire chapter is good, just read the entire thing.

I am thankful for all that I have. I am thankful for the Bible, and the Book of Mormon...The scriptures are true. I am thankful for the living prophets who do nothing but encourage us to be better people. Kinder people. More giving and loving people. I am thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I wish I could express the peace that I feel while in the temple, the house of the Lord. I love my family. I simply want to live, doing the best that I can...Picking myself up when I stumble and scrape up my knees. Always praying, holding onto Faith and Hope, having an Eternal prospective. 

Phew! I feel so much better after venting through my fingers.

May we all find that strength to simply live! Respecting others and showing unconditional love-Allowoing ourselves to feel from time to time!

Happy Wednesday night! :O)

**The emotions mentioned above, were defined by Wikipedia and wiktionary.